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我不想做人了

我梦见了一个小孩。起初,我梦见的不是他。我梦见的什么,我忘了。我感觉有人一直在跟着我,一回头,就看到了他,那么弱,那么小,吃力地跑着才能勉强跟上我的步伐。我想甩掉他。我不想让他跟着我。于是,梦就变成了这样,我在魔王的城堡珊索丝里奔跑。这里很大,走廊上一个人也没有,血月的微光透过窗棱,照在我身上,把我照得一片血红。那些红色的月光下一刻又变成了血。我穿着一件满是血的衣袍在奔跑。最后,我跑到了一条死路。他还是跟着我。“走开!”我回头叱责道。那个小孩跪在地上,像小猫似的虚弱地哭。为什么。他的哭声里夹杂着这样的话语。为什么要杀了我。于是我便想起了在魔界边缘的那一幕——瓦尔达里亚带来的剧痛,以及剧痛中,一个存在不复存在。“不是我杀了你!”我说,“是他杀了你!”是因为你说了那句话,他才会那样做。小孩说。他有一头漆黑的头发,皮肤苍白,就像我,就像他。他不存在了。不会有这么一个小孩了。眼泪落下来。这个小孩向我爬过来,伸出手拽住我血淋淋的裙摆。他说:生命多么美好啊,我多么想拥有生命啊——妈妈,为什么,你希望我消失?为什么?有一种惭愧和难过划过心头。可是紧接着,暴怒油然而生——“为什么——你不去质问他?”我控诉,“为什么——你只来质问我?”这个小孩说:因为他不是人,他不会为我的消失痛苦。他抱住我的小腿,我感觉到他的眼泪。他说:只有你是人。“我也不会为你的消失痛苦,”我抽噎着说,“我不是自愿怀上的——”可是,你正在痛苦。他的语气如同瓦尔达里亚,是一种无情的直白。他继续念着那些话:妈妈,为什么——“我不想痛苦!”我捂着自己的脸,“为什么只有我痛苦?为什么因为只有我是人,所以就只有我痛苦?——不,如果这样的话——”——那么,我不想做人了。

那个小孩不见了。我坐在魔王的议事厅里,长桌的主位。有人站在我身边,把手放在我肩上,那不是瓦尔达里亚。记住这个答案。她说。她的声音是我,但口吻更似瓦尔达里亚——蔑视一切,坚信自己是唯一的真理。她微微俯下身,漆黑的头发落进我的视野。在我的耳边,她继续对我说:陈诚选择做魔王,你是魔王。我醒了。我坐起来,摇铃。我目前的侍女走进来,对我行礼。“我今天想出去。”我说。“这需要——”“去请示他,告诉他:我今天想踏出这个房间。”我说。“……是,陛下。”“还有,我想要衣服。”我说,“这需要先请示一下他吗?”“……不,陛下。但暗夜之湖只有供奴隶穿的衣服,

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